The Man Behind the Hedges
by visualpurple
Summary: You may think that you are in for a pleasant surprise when you read this story, but you'd be terribly wrong. This fanfic includes many rotten things, including a silver mirror, a broken chair, and a desperate author seeking the help of the general public.
1. Typewriter Turmoil

**Disclaimer**: I don't own any of the characters, places, or anything really in this story. They all belong to Lemony Snicket and Daniel Handler.

**Dear Reader**, If you are seeking some pleasant reading material then I suggest you find some other story. This fanfic is full of misery and woe. If you prefer a happy tale then you should press the red X at the top right of your computer screen and go pick out a book called The Littlest Elf. Then you will not have to experience the dreadful contents of this story such as large cardboard boxes, iron handcuffs, an author on the run and a woman named Beatrice. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Lemony looked up from the typewriter he had been using for the last several hours. His eyes and fingers ached badly and his body screamed for sleep. But he knew this could be his last chance to finish the woeful tale he was writing.

In his numerous travels Lemony had learned many important things. He had learned why you should never give a Luna Moth a bath. He had learned why manholes were round. But one of the most important things he had learned was to pack light, because you never knew when the police could find you.

A typewriter is not a sensible thing to put in a suitcase, because it is very heavy and hard to carry; therefore Lemony usually only had a pencil and a pad of paper to write down his research. Lemony highly valued this rare opportunity to use a typewriter. He could finally finish his book about Count Olaf's treachery and send it to his editor.

Just the thought of more people reading about the terrible trials of the poor Baudelaire orphans made Lemony shiver. But of course it was necessary for Lemony to clear his name, and he knew he owed it to Beatrice…

A loud THUMP jolted Lemony awake. He had fallen asleep while drifting in his thoughts. _Should I make a run for it, _Lemony thought frantically. He ripped the half-typed paper from the typewriter and jumped up.

The room was full of boxes; shipments of typewriters to be sent out to warehouses everywhere. Lemony catapulted himself behind a large pile of them just before a short woman wearing a navy blue uniform walked into the room, her high heels clicking on the concrete floor. She glanced around, then walked away muttering about thumping noises and low pay.

Lemony let out a loud sigh of relief. That was close! He was very lucky that the woman didn't see Lemony's hat perched upon the chair he had been sitting at. Wait! The woman had said something about thumping noises. That meant she hadn't caused it. And that meant…

THUMP! A large box fell on the concrete floor, inches from Lemony. He whipped around and jumped out of the way just before another box fell. Who else was in the room and why were they trying to trap him under a box?

Suddenly boxes were falling left and right, an expression which when used here means, "very close to Lemony Snicket's head". He ran back and forth dodging them, but Lemony knew he couldn't keep it up forever.

As a large box with a particularly heavy Platinum 500 typewriter inside of it fell, Lemony's strength gave out and he collapsed under it. The force of the impact took the wind out of him, and the edges of his vision began to blur. Just before Lemony blacked out, he saw a tall figure walk over to him. Lemony was at eye level with the person's ankle, and he could see a tattoo of an eye etched upon it.

Very exciting, isn't it? This is my first fanfic so please go easy on me. I'm not really sure if I should continue this story or not. Maybe if I got some opinions in all those REVIEWS (cough cough) I get, I'll think about it. This is an early Christmas present for PearlGirl! Hope you like it! REVIEW REVIEW! Merry Chrismahaunikwanziday!


	2. Vicious Villain

Thanks to all my super awesome reviewers!

**Spectra16**- Whoa. You really like the VFD don't you? Don't worry I'll include more. wink wink. Who's the other M? I feel ignorant. Anyway, thanks for reviewing!

**Blueacorn5**- Hey. Thanks for reviewing even though I knew you would anyway. Don't forget the meeting on Wednesday cough cough. I seem to have a nasty cold.

**Peaches Garcia- **Glad you likeit. Thanks for your review! D

This chapter's kind of dark so don't read it if you don't like scary stuff.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything in this story. It all belongs to Lemony Snicket and Daniel Handler.

Lemony Snicket groaned as he slowly came to, a phrase which when used here means, "awoke with a very bad headache". He carefully opened his eyes, but he might have just left them closed because it was pitch black. It was blacker then a black beetle spilling black paint in the blackest reaches of a black hole.

Lemony reluctantly tried to get up, but his head exploded in pain. When he tried to rub it he found his hands were tied behind his back. Why was he tied up? And where was he? Lemony could remember typing in the factory…hearing a noise… the falling boxes…the eye tattoo…the tattoo!

Lemony could figure out who had captured him by figuring out who had a tattoo on the bad side of the schism. But how could he tell who was evil and who wasn't? Lately everything in Lemony's life had turned upside-down, a phrase which when used here means "topsy-turvy". Anyone could have gone against him. Maybe even his own sister! But deep down Lemony knew Kit would never betray him. Not like O had betrayed the organization.

Suddenly Lemony knew. He let out a yelp of alarm. "Oh!"

"Yes?" said a hoarse, scratchy voice answered.

Lemony jumped in surprise, but since he was tied down, he just wobbled a bit. He had been, as you know, expressing his astonishment when he said the word "Oh!" but the horrible man in front of him thought Lemony had said the letter "O!"

Lemony tried turning his head to look at his kidnapper, but it was so dark he could only see two shiny, shiny eyes watching him as if he were some caged animal at the zoo. Lemony sucked in his breath fearfully and said accusingly, "Olaf!"

"Yes, I thought I heard you call my name," the repulsive man said. "We've been waiting for you to wake up. We have a few questions we need answered…"

"I'll never tell you anything!" Lemony yelled; much braver than he felt inside.

"Oh, you won't?" Olaf sneered threateningly. Lemony could sense Olaf moving towards him, and Lemony recoiled as he felt a cold metal object pressed up against his cheek.

"Well if you don't then there might be a little accident…" Olaf whispered.

Lemony's eyes widened in horror as he realized the cold object was a huge knife. He had to tell Olaf something…or he could get seriously hurt. He couldn't tell Olaf any of the organizations secrets, but maybe he could participate in one of Olaf's favorite activities- lying.

"So? Now are we ready to talk?" Olaf hissed, his bad breath contaminating the area. He slowly removed the knife from Lemony's cheek, and Lemony quietly said "Yes."

"That's better. Now let's put some light on the matter…"

Olaf turned on a huge flashlight, right in Lemony's eyes. If you have seen the right movies then you know this is a method favored by unpleasant police interrogators and kidnappers to force their subject to talk. Since Lemony had been in the dark for so long, when the light was shined in his face, he practically screamed.

Olaf let out a terrible laugh and watched as Lemony writhed in pain and fear. Finally Lemony gave up and let his body go limp. He slowly opened his eyes, but he had to squint to keep them open for even a few seconds.

He tried to look into Olaf's face, but all he could see was light. Once again, if you've seen the right movies, you know that the reason police and kidnappers prefer this method is because the subject, in this case Lemony, cannot see the face of the interrogator. They really can't see anything for that matter. For Olaf this was a great advantage.

"Now. Let's start with an easy one. Where is the sugar bowl?"

"Why should I tell you? What do you want with it?" Lemony asked, stalling for time.

Olaf's eyebrow went up and his eyes became very, very shiny, as if he was telling a joke. "I'M THE ONE ASKING THE QUESTIONS!" he yelled, outraged. "Well," he said, calming down, "answer the question. Now!"

"I… I don't know." Lemony lied quietly.

"You don't know? Hmm…" Olaf said as his hand appeared in the beam of light. He was holding the long, shiny knife. As the light reflected off the blade Lemony knew the game he was trying to play was very dangerous…very dangerous indeed. And he knew that the price he might have to pay if he lost would be very, very high.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: This chapter was pretty dark. Probably the darkest of the story. But what did you expect? Don't worry. More secrets are on the way! Review review review! Or I shall give my secret notebook to the scary man standing behind me. (My dad! Ahhhh!)


	3. Perilous Prevarication

I never thought I'd get so many reviews! You guys rock!

**CertainlyOutrageous- **Thanks! (For the review and the compliment)

**undercoverelephant- **I updated for you! Lemony will not be crushed. Did you really think I'd leave him like that?

**Spectra16- **I'll do my best to add more of the VFD in to the story for you. It's really hard because it's such a mysterious organization.

**winnie the pooh (loves bu- **Please don't crush me with a typewriter! I updated! Glad you like the story.

A/N: In case you didn't already notice, I'm using little snippets from the ASOUE books to write my stories. Lemony really does mention being in a typewriter factory in The Ersatz Elevator. So everything I'm writing could be true. Or it could be a big lie. It's all up to you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Disclaimer**: I don't own any of the ASOUE books, and I don't own the characters either. They all belong to Lemony Snicket and Daniel Handler and are protected by copyrights.

If you happen to be reading this story and you also happen to have arsonphobia, I suggest you stop reading immediately and click the BACK button at the top left of your screen. Arsonphobia, if you haven't already figured it out, is the fear of fire.

Many people I know have this fear, and most of them are part of a secret organization. These people at one time were not afraid of fire, because they fought against it. But one day a horrible arsonist decided the best way to destroy these volunteers' lives was to burn down their houses and hurt their families.

Unfortunately, he was right. Now all of the surviving volunteers are deathly afraid of the substance they once fought so bravely against. One of these surviving volunteers is now trapped at the hands of the evil arsonist that destroyed the organization. This volunteer's name is Lemony Snicket.

Lemony looked upon the blade of the shining knife in the beam of light. Olaf slowly brought the knife closer and closer to Lemony until the point touched the tip of Lemony's nose.

"We know that you know where the bowl is. We found a few little pieces of paper with you in the factory…"

Lemony gasped as he realized that the chapter he had been typing must have been brought into enemy hands when he was captured. They could find out countless secrets with just that one chapter! He had to get it back!

Olaf impatiently swished the knife back and forth like a pendulum. "We're waiting!" he taunted.

"It's…hidden in Carp Cove." Lemony said, pretending to be disappointed.

"And where is this cove?" Olaf asked, clearly very pleased with himself.

Lemony gave up the information. "The cove's in Lake Lachrymose."

"Aha! I knew you'd talk." Olaf snapped off the light and quietly moved behind Lemony. The arsonist was whispering to someone else in the room Lemony couldn't see. They were speaking so quietly Lemony couldn't hear a single word of their conversation.

"We'll be seeing you later!" Olaf yelled back at Lemony triumphantly. Lemony heard a clatter and a dim light flickered on. The clatter had been Olaf's associate dropping a disgusting lunch tray at Lemony's feet. A door slammed as Olaf left the room.

Lemony soon found out how hard it is to eat a pile of slop while tied to a chair. Olaf had provided a spoon that looked like it hadn't been washed in a couple of years, but of course Lemony couldn't use it. When he finally finished his "lunch", Lemony had the slop smeared all over his face and his shirt.

Exhausted from the effort of standing up to a nasty villain and from eating, Lemony fell into a deep sleep. But what he didn't know was that along with his exhaustion, a few small pills mixed in with his food helped him drift off.

As soon as Lemony was asleep, Olaf's associate snuck into his room and sniggered as he lit a match and threw it into a pile of hay in the corner.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! If you don't then I'll leave poor Lemony in the burning room tied to a chair!


	4. Formidable Fire

Reviews, reviews! Oh how I love reviews! The best Christmas present ever! Anyway, keep them coming!

**blueacorn5- **Thanks for your ideas for this chapter!

**winniethepooh (loves bu- **Thanks. I'd rather not be crushed. And Lemony won't die… at least, not yet. Interesting name. How did you come up with it?

**ASOUEFan- **Hmm… maybe I will use more characters. Thanks for the review and the suggestions!

**Peaches Garcia- **Thanks a lot! Don't worry, I'll update soon.

Should I name the chapters? I'm not sure... my sister says no. What do you think?

Everyone, I might not update for a while. You know…exams…Christmas…New Year…oh well, you get it. Please be patient!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything. Except my blue commonplace book. Lemony Snicket and Daniel Handler own all the good stuff, like the characters, the ideas, the books, and everything else. Phooey.

Lemony awoke to a very familiar smell. He was drowsy and didn't realize what it meant until he felt the heat. Lemony's eyes snapped open and his heart skipped a beat as he realized what the smell was. Smoke.

Tendrils of the deadly substance were curling all around the chair he was tied to. Lemony could see the flames dancing in the corner. The fire was undoubtedly started by Olaf. It was spreading quickly, crawling up the wooden walls.

Lemony struggled against his bonds, but the rope was tied too tight. How was he going to escape? Lemony rocked the chair back and forth in an effort to move away from the flames. A particularly strong rock tipped the chair over backwards in one swift motion.

Lemony landed on the concrete floor with a sickening crack. As soon as the dust clouds had cleared, Lemony realized his hands were free. The spindly chair had broken as a result of the fall. Unfortunately, so had Lemony's wrist.

He winced as he carefully stood up and took the ropes off his hands. Coughing in the ash-filled air, Lemony searched the small room for a way out. There was no furniture other than the chair, and no windows. A small light bulb on the ceiling and the door were the only other aspects of the room.

Lemony ran over to the door and jiggled the handle. It was locked. He quickly searched his pockets with his uninjured hand. Lemony had several items including a bubble gum wrapper, a broken pencil, a small pad of paper, a hairpin, and a couple of coins. How could he use such a meager selection to escape?

Suddenly it came to him. He could use the hairpin to pick the lock on the door and get out! He reached into his pocket and pulled out the hairpin. It was emerald green and had a tiny clear jewel that reflected the light encrusted on the top.

Lemony remembered where he had found it… Beatrice had worn it in her hair at the Masked Ball. It was a perfect match with the dragonfly costume she had worn. The hairpin had fallen out and landed on the veranda, where Lemony had picked it up as the guards whisked him away.

Lemony was torn between saving his life and saving one of his last mementos of the woman he loved. Surely he could find another way to escape? But Lemony knew the hairpin was his only chance. He slid to the floor, his back pressed against the wall, staring at the hairpin. Memories of a happy time long ago flooded his head and blocked all thoughts of escape.

Finally the heat of the fire snapped Lemony out of it. He got up and stuck the hairpin in the keyhole. While he wiggled it around inside, Lemony could feel tears running down his face. He heard a satisfying click, and Lemony opened the door. The hairpin was bent all out of shape and the jewel had fallen out. But Lemony was free.

He walked out into the dark hallway, illuminated by the light from the flames. In his panicked and sorrowful state, which in this case does not mean "Alabama or Hawaii", but "a distressed and depressed mood", Lemony forgot to close the door behind him.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW REVIEW! Fa la la la la! La la la la!

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Kwanza! Happy New Year!


	5. Cryptic Character

Reviews are supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

**Alania**- You reviewed! (Wow like I didn't know that) I hope my story can be a starter for other good Lemony fics. They're fun to read and fun to write.

**BingIsBack**- Don't freak out! I updated! See? See? Calming breath in… and out.

**Spectra16- **The clippy? Do you mean Beatrice's hairpin? Yeah, Lemony's okay…for now.

**PrincessElionwy- **Lemony won't get hurt… um, actually he already did... sorry to confuse you. There really are four chapters! See? Now there's five!

**Vetor Swest**- I'll try to make my story have a happy ending so you can at least have one joy in life. But I'm not making any promises.

**My Lost Marbles- **I sure hope your head doesn't explode! That would be a very unfortunate event. Maybe this new chapter will cure your explosive head syndrome.

**RockSunner- **Glad you like it! I took your advice and named the chapters.

**Animeomega- **Yay! You reviewed! I'm so happy that you love it! I take it you like Olaf. He is a very cool villain, but a very nasty person.

**duddlesismylittlefuzzybunny**- Cool new pen name! How'd you choose it? My pen name comes from a chemical found in people's eyes… and rock bands. Never mind. I'm probably confusing you. I'm even confusing myself!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the Series of Unfortunate Events books or characters. They all belong to Lemony Snicket and Daniel Handler.

A very handy item you may find useful to pack on your next trip is a thesaurus. A thesaurus is not a type of dinosaur, but a book that will help you write a successful story. It contains an assortment of synonyms for all kinds of words.

For example, the word to describe this chapter, misery, has synonyms such as distress, suffering, agony, worry, pain, despair, desolation, grief, depression, and sadness.

If you do not wish to experience, undergo, feel, and live through a chapter as terrible, horrible, appalling, fearful, ghastly, shocking and unnerving as all this, I advise you to turn your computer off right now.

Lemony rushed down the hallway, searching for a doorway. The first room he entered was filled with mountains of cardboard boxes. Finding no windows or doors, and with his unfortunate past experiences with boxes, Lemony ran back into the hall.

The next room looked more promising, assuring, encouraging. Empty wine bottles littered the floor as well as cracked dirty dishes. A rotting wooden desk sat alone in a corner. Lemony hurried over to it and searched the drawers, which fell apart as he opened them.

Most were empty, but one contained a small hand mirror and in another was a pile of crumbling documents. Lemony grabbed the mirror and pocketed it; maybe he could find a use for it later. He picked up the documents carefully and leafed through (which is very difficult when you have a broken wrist).

The handwriting on most papers was very messy and hard to read. Some papers looked interesting, but Lemony wasn't sure if he had enough time to look at them closely. Olaf and his troupe could be back any minute. Finally Lemony spotted, saw, beheld, viewed, and perceived a clean, newer paper at the bottom.

His heart leapt as he pulled it out and saw the neatly printed black letters from a typewriter. It was the chapter he had been typing! Hopefully Olaf had not read it yet.

Lemony celebrated his triumph shortly and stuffed the chapter in his pocket. The room had no other possible escape routes or interesting items, so Lemony went back into the hall once again.

The third room Lemony entered was the best one yet, or should I say worst considering what happens to him inside it. Lemony was overjoyed, encouraged, joyous, and pleased to see a small window in the far wall. Sadly the window had thick iron bars on it, blocking his escape from the disgusting building.

Lemony turned and started to make his way out of the room to search for another door or window, but something in the doorway made him stop dead in his tracks. This phrase does not mean, "His heart stopped beating and he failed to breathe oxygen," but, "Lemony ceased walking very suddenly".

The fire from the room Lemony had been held captive in was spreading, fed by rotting wood and cardboard from other rooms. The doorway was now a wall of flaming terror. Heat radiated off of it and made Lemony sweat profusely. Perhaps he could jump over the flames? The doorway answered the question for him.

A huge beam of burning wood came crashing down from the top of the door frame and sent sparks flying everywhere. To try and get through the doorway would mean almost certain death, demise, passing, loss of life, extinction.

Lemony now knew he had only one way out, the tiny barred window. He didn't have much time. Lemony scrambled over to the window and frantically searched for something he could use to get through the bars.

Every single inch of the room was items-that-break-through-iron-bars-free. Lemony would just have to find another way out. But there was no other way. Lemony peered outside of the window, into the smoky outdoors.

To his surprise, Lemony saw a very strange phenomena he though he'd never see again in his lifetime. A black Jeep was parked outside in the northwest corner of the parking lot.

Lemony could tell, of course, that the person in the Jeep was very mixed up, because the Jeep was supposed to be parked outside the Orion Observatory, and not this strange warehouse Olaf had imprisoned him in. But the driver looked quite young, and they could have been a new recruit.

There was no doubt, demur, or disbelief in Lemony's mind that this person was a volunteer. It was too much of a coincidence. Lemony yelled for help and waved his arms hysterically. But no matter how much he screamed, he knew the driver would never hear him.

Suddenly Lemony had an odd memory come to him. Three small children stranded in a boat surrounded by leeches… the oldest using the principles of the convergence and refraction of light to signal a boat….

Lemony knew what he had to do. He grabbed the small hand mirror from his pocket and carefully angled it so that the pale sunlight from outside hit it just right. Even though Lemony had never really understood the convergence and refraction of light, he knew he had to aim the beam at the Jeep outside.

After a few moments of suspenseful silence, Lemony saw a small female figure exit the Jeep and look curiously at the window where Lemony was. Lemony started hollering again, and was delighted to see the person start walking over to where he was held prisoner.

A loud sound behind him made Lemony whip around. The flames were getting closer and closer, knocking things over and eating them in its fury. Lemony realized that no matter how quickly the driver of the Jeep ran over to him, Lemony would become a pile of ashes before she even got a glimpse of him.

He had to find a way to stall the fire's progress. Lemony racked his brain, seeking a memory of his basic V.F.D. training. Finally he recalled a lesson he had on extinguishing fires. First you must douse the fire. Lemony had no water of other fluids. Next you have to take away the fire's air. Lemony quickly took off his coat and threw it over the flames.

There was a terrible hissing noise as the fire fought to keep on breathing, like a wild animal underwater. It stopped, but Lemony knew he only had a matter of minutes before the fire reappeared again. He could see the volunteer outside the window, but smoke obscured a clear view of her face. "Help me!" Lemony cried, "Olaf-"

But before he could finish his sentence a huge cloud of smoke and ash caused Lemony to break out in a fit of coughing. The fire had eaten through his coat and was crawling, creeping, moving, and coming closer…

Soon the flames were there…inches away. Lemony kept coughing as more and more smoke filled his nostrils and clouded his brain. He was inhaling an overabundance of ash… the edges of Lemony's mind began to blur. He could vaguely see, as if in another world, the iron bars clatter to the ground…in a last effort, Lemony jumped for the now unblocked window frame.

Coughing violently, Lemony used his last ounce of strength to heave himself up and out the window…out of the blazing inferno. Lemony slipped, but he felt a strong firm hand grab him and pull him out.

His broken wrist was screaming in pain, and blood was flowing out of his hands and legs…Lemony sprawled out on the grass, and for the second time in the last couple of days, he fainted.


	6. Disclosing Dreams

I NEED MORE REVIEWS! Or the entire world will fall apart! At least, my own little world will.

**ASOUEFAN**- Thanks. I will definitely continue. It takes a while to come up with good chapter names, and I'm glad you like them.

**BingIsBack**- Nice to see you breathing again! Here's your much-anticipated update.

**Vetor Swest**- Poor Phil. He really didn't deserve what happened to him. I hope the suspense doesn't kill you because then I'd have one less reviewer!

**Spectra16**- More V.F.D. and Lemony in this chappie! Enjoy!

**PearlGirl**- YES! You reviewed! I'm excited, hysterical, overjoyed, delighted, cheery, jubilant, blissful, and not to mention happy! I tried calling you… but summer must be dying. I also sent you a Volunteer Factual Dispatch (what most people would call an e-mail), so check soon! Aye!

Everyone, this chapter is VERY important even though it seems meaningless. So read it VERY carefully!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Disclaimer**: I don't own any of the characters, codes, books, ideas, or authors in this fanfic. They all belong to Lemony Snicket and Daniel Handler.

Lemony was running through the woods just after sunrise. Trees whizzed past him as sprinted for an unknown goal. The sky was pale yellow….now blue…and green… an ever-changing kaleidoscope of colors. Crickets were chirping in the bushes, but Lemony couldn't understand…

Suddenly the trees morphed into a huge mansion made of green wood. Lemony ran inside and started searching for someone, anyone. But the house was dead silent and completely empty. Lemony ran through a coal black door shaped like an eye. Attached to the door frame, a tiny silver bar held a golden bell that was quietly ringing.

A mysterious bell made Lemony remember terrible things, such as a villain that betrayed a noble organization out of his greed, which is fuel behind many problems of this world.

Lemony found himself at a large bookcase inside a very beautiful, yet flammable room. The wall was covered in masks, the kind worn in a theatre or at a long-ago masked ball.

A loud voice yelled "Beware!" from the shadows, and the golden bell started ringing as if a gust of wind had blown into the room. Flames sprung up from the carpet and surrounded Lemony. Maniacal laughter echoed from nowhere, and the word "Beware!" was being repeated over and over again.

A tall figure emerged from the fire, holding a shiny knife as large as an axe. Lemony ran in circles, flames burning his legs and feet. He screamed for help, but no one could hear him. Suddenly the floor gave way and Lemony was falling… falling down into the dark…down the elevator shaft…

Lemony jerked awake, cold sweat running down his face. His entire body was exploding in extreme pain, but Lemony felt as if he were in a trance, or trying to run in deep water. The world was one big blur.

Where did his rescuer go? All Lemony could see was bright lights and flashing colors. He could hear police and official fire department sirens in the distance. They would find him! He would be put in jail with convicts and clasped in iron handcuffs!

Lemony could feel himself sway back and forth as another wave of pain and fear swept over him. He could hear a voice speaking in the back of his mind… "Lie back down, you're in shock, plus you lost a lot of blood…"

What did they mean lie down? Lemony had trouble comprehending the words… he was becoming increasingly dizzy… the world swam before his eyes…. Lemony felt himself, as if in another world, slowly lower his head unto the cold vinyl surface… the world went black.

Lemony didn't remember his dream at all when he awoke later.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you read it VERY carefully? I hope so! If you have no idea what I'm talking about, please tell me in you review and I'll clue you in. REVIEW! NOW! PRESS THE LITTLE BUTTON!


	7. Interesting Individual

Thanks for all the reviews everyone! They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!

**blueacorn5**- I do like your suggestions. Maybe you should try writing a story about Esme. I don't see too many of those. Or… The Littlest Elf? I don't know.

**PrincessElionwy**- I like your pen name. It's pretty. Where did you get it? Too bad your friend shows no sympathy for characters. I guess it doesn't really matter though. They don't know when you're sympathetic for them anyway.

**ASOUEFAN**- I predict you'll find out who's talking to Lemony very soon.

**PearlGirl**- Hey E! I have a billion tests this week in school. Did you get a snow day on 1/10/05? I didn't. Your ideas about the family tree are so much better than anything I could come up with. Grrr! I want to read your new LOTR story! Don't think the note won't be a part of the story… Here's your update!

**Vetor Swest**- Is your pen name an anagram? It kind of sounds like it. I'm writing another chapter so hopefully nothing bad will happen… I hope.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Disclaimer**: I don't own any characters, places, books, or themes in this story. They all belong to Lemony Snicket and Daniel Handler, and other authors of the world.

When Lemony awoke, he was in a comfortable bed with a red quilt thrown upon it. He was inside a room with white walls and red and white checked curtains covering the window. A chest of drawers was in one corner, and a small writing desk was in another.

Lemony was ecstatic when he saw a shiny typewriter and clean white paper sitting on the top of the desk. His fingers itched to get at it so he could finish his book. Lemony then noticed bandages were wrapped all over his broken wrist, and on his palms. There were even more on his arms and legs. Where on earth was he? And who knew enough about medical procedures to treat his wounds?

The door opened quietly and Lemony looked over to see a small woman with fiery red hair tiptoe inside. She wore a white blouse, blue pants, and a long white apron with colorful stains all over it. Her eyes were a dull grey, but her hair made up for the lack of color. It was such a bright red it looked almost unnatural, and Lemony could barely look at it without straining his eyes.

The woman realized Lemony was awake and her face broke into a smile, a phrase that does not mean that her nose fell off and her ears clattered to the floor, but that her teeth showed and the corners of her mouth turned up.

"You're finally awake!" she said happily. Her voice reminded Lemony of snow cones and ice cubes. He remembered mistaking this woman for a young new V.F.D. recruit, which must have been because of her height. She seemed quite short for her age, and her head looked like it might reach up to Lemony's chest.

"You've been practically unconscious for the last, I'd say, 8 hours. Except when you woke up in the Jeep. You were screaming like crazy!"

"I was asleep for that long?" Lemony asked in wonder.

"Yes." She became grim faced. "You've faced pretty serious injuries. Burns all down your arms and legs, a broken wrist, cuts everywhere, and even a bruised rib."

Lemony did feel awful, but he had never expected so many injuries. He guessed the bruised rib was from the typewriter falling on top of him.

"How did you know how to treat my injuries? Are you a doctor?" Lemony asked.

"Of course not! But I am training to become one. My instructor helped you out," she laughed.

"Who are you, and where are we?" Lemony questioned.

"Oh! I never introduced myself! My name is Ignacia Davis, but you can call me Nacy if you want. We're at my home in the Medical District."

"Who do you work for?" Lemony asked. He was worried about Ignacia's answer.

"I'm a new recruit in the V.F.D."

"I didn't know V.F.D. took on new recruits as old as you."

Ignacia fidgeted. She looked very uncomfortable. "Well…the V.F.D. decided it would be a good idea for the new volunteers to be older and more mature… so they can understand the goals of the organization better."

"That doesn't sound like the V.F.D. I used to know… but times have changed." Lemony said thoughtfully.

This woman still seemed suspicious. She could just be playing with his mind, waiting for the police to arrive to take him away. Could he trust her?

"Did you see how long my hair is?" Ignacia said eagerly as she flipped her flaming hair around, trying to find a conversation starter in the uncomfortable silence. Unfortunately, hair is not a very exciting conversational starter. Unless there is one in your soup, in which case you should inform you waiter or hostess.

"Would you like to see something?" Ignacia asked brightly. She pulled a wheelchair out of the closet and rolled it over to Lemony's bed. Lemony carefully lifted himself up, wincing with pain nonetheless. When he was settled, Ignacia rolled him out of the room and into the hallway.

Lemony and Ignacia halted at a pair of tall oak doors at the end of the hall. Ignacia pushed them open, and Lemony gasped as he saw what lay inside.

The biggest library he had seen in a long, long time, with what must have been hundreds of books on its shelves. Big squishy armchairs were nestled in one corner, along with a few bright reading lamps. Lemony wheeled himself over to a shelf, and he read the titles of the books upon it:

_Green Mansions. _

_Plants Native to North America. _

_Ramona Quimby, Age 8. _

_The Littlest Elf._

_A Book of Poetry._

_Sharks and Their Impact on the Oceans of the World._

Lemony turned to his rescuer with a smile on his face. Ignacia also smiled, and in a whisper she uttered 5 short but meaningful words: "The World Is Quiet Here."

It was then that Lemony believed Ignacia Davis to be a true volunteer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I only have one word for you. R-E-V-I-E-W.


	8. Sorrowful Supper

I cannot even express how much I love reviews!

**bingisback**- I knew someone would notice the symbolic library! Good for you!

**Spectra16- **Don't worry about Ignacia. You'll find out who she is later…

**ASOUEFAN- **You'll get to see what happens next! Yay! I'm having trouble updating now because of my midterm exams, but usually I try to write all the time.

**Vetor Swest**- Oh, I'm pretty sure a few villains would have loved the previous chapter… ahem; well I won't reveal your true identity to anyone. You never know who could be a villain and who you can trust.

**Evil Grinlord**- Oh yeah! New reviewer! does victory dance Yes, I do torture Lemony quite a bit, but he leads a very depressing and dangerous life.

I hate tests! Especially midterms. They make me lose so much writing time! So expect less updating. Enough complaining. On with the story!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything. Not Lemony. Not the Baudelaires. Not even Olaf, although I wouldn't want to own him anyway. All of it belongs to Lemony Snicket and Daniel Handler. But is it possible for Lemony to own himself? Hmmm….

Over the next several days, Lemony recovered from his injuries. He spent a lot of time resting and sleeping, but when he got bored he could read a book from Ignacia's enormous library or write and type more chapters of his book. Lemony had trouble typing with his broken wrist, so he would take breaks in between paragraphs to ease the pain.

Once while Lemony was on one of his breaks, he remembered the chapter he typed in the factory. Reaching into his trouser pocket, Lemony suddenly realized that he had put the chapter in his coat pocket, and he had thrown his coat unto the fire to slow it down! Now Lemony would have to re-type the entire chapter!

He was glad that the chapter was a pile of unreadable ash, so Olaf would never get his filthy hands on it, but the idea of typing for several hours made Lemony's head whirl.

O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O 

Often when Lemony was typing, Ignacia would come into his room to read what he had written.

"It's very nice how you're trying to make these orphan's troubles known to the world. Are you including anything about V.F.D.?" Ignacia asked curiously.

"Only small bits and pieces," Lemony replied, "I want to make sure that any secrets I write won't get into the wrong hands, which when used here means Olaf."

Ignacia bit her lip. "Couldn't he just read the books after they're published?"

"No. I only include small secrets he already knows, and…" Lemony trailed off, unsure about whether or not he should continue. The information he could reveal may not be safe with a new V.F.D. recruit.

"Go on." Ignacia prompted.

"Well, the larger secrets I hide inside." Lemony said reluctantly.

"That's smart. You must use codes right?"

"Sort of." Lemony started to look more uncomfortable.

Ignacia laughed. "I get the message. This is secret information right? Don't worry. I won't bother you anymore. I have to go make dinner. Keep writing!"

Lemony watched as she walked away, and he breathed a sigh of relief. He was almost positive he could trust Ignacia, but talking about things like that made him uneasy.

After typing for a few more minutes, Lemony leaned back to rest. He felt a strange hard lump in his trouser pocket, which made him investigate. He looked inside and pulled out the mirror that had saved his life at the warehouse.

Lemony ran his fingers over the engravings on the back and handle of the silver mirror. His fingertips met unusual grooves. Lemony looked closer and discovered the letters I and D were scratched into the metal on the back. What could they stand for? And who put them on the mirror?

Lemony had a revelation. Ignacia Davis. I.D. Was it just a coincidence? Or could it be something else?

The door opened and Lemony scrambled to stuff the mirror back into his pocket. Ignacia looked inquiringly at Lemony, who was breathing in gasps.

"Are you alright?" she asked, concerned.

"I-I'm fine" Lemony managed to get out.

"Okay then. I came to tell you that dinner is ready." Ignacia walked out, still watching Lemony worriedly.

Should he confront her about the mirror? Lemony decided he might as well, because he would have to do it sooner or later. He took a deep breath and walked down the hall to the kitchen.

"Ignacia?" Lemony asked quietly. She looked up from the food she was setting out on the table. "Yes?"

Lemony slowly pulled out the mirror. "Do you know what this is?"

Ignacia stared at the mirror. For a few seconds a look of alarm and anger crossed her face, but it was replaced with sadness. "Where did you get that?" she asked, bewildered.

"Olaf's hideout. Are these your initials?" Lemony turned the mirror over and showed her the I and the D.

Ignacia sighed. "Yes," she finally spoke. "It was mine when I was a small girl. Our house burned down… maybe it was Olaf… and he kept the mirror as…a…a…token of the…the house he had destroyed…"

"I'm sorry," Lemony said. "I didn't know."

Ignacia bent over and turned away. Lemony put a hand out to comfort her but she moved away. When she straightened back up Lemony could see her face was wet.

"Don't worry. It's not your fault," she trembled.

That night dinner sat on the table, uneaten, because it seemed both Ignacia and Lemony had lost their appetites.

REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW, I can't stress that enough! I need the reviews! Please review! I love my reviewers! I won't update unless you review! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!


	9. Obscure Occurrence

I should be studying…but I'm not. Shhhhh! Don't tell anyone! I hit the 50 review mark! Yeah! You guys rock!

**BingIsBack**- Thanks! I feel so loved!

**Vetor Swest**- I hope they find their appetites eventually, because if they do not then they will starve. And if they starve I will have no characters. And without characters there will be no fanfic. And so on. Olaf is not helping me, unless he is in disguise. Why are you afraid of supermarkets? Are you related to Josephine Anwhistle?

**Alania- **Thanks for your enjoyable, wonderful, skillful, extraordinary review! Have you been good to your mother?

**Peaches Garcia**- Thanks a lot! Don't worry. I'll update again soon.

**Spectra16- **Hmmm. I really don't know who the other M could be. Are there any people Lemony mentions that have names that start with the letter M? (Other than Monty)

**Evil Grinlord**- Poor Ignacia. I don't think anyone will die, but I'm not so sure yet.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Disclaimer**: He he! I am truly Lemony in disguise and I own all of the books and characters. NOT!

After a week and a half at Ignacia's house, Lemony's injuries were almost fully healed. He still had to wrap his wrist, and his burns still throbbed every once in a while, but other than that Lemony was fit as a fiddle, a phrase that does not make much sense because a fiddle could easily be broken in half with all the strings missing, which would certainly make it unfit.

Lemony knew he would have to make the journey across town to get back to his house sooner or later, but he liked having such a nice place to stay. He didn't even have to cook. But one day he brought the subject of leaving with Ignacia.

"Ignacia, you know I can't stay here much longer. I have to continue my research."

"I knew you'd say that eventually. Oh well. It was nice having you stay here for a while." Ignacia sighed.

"Well, I don't have to leave just yet," Lemony said thoughtfully. "Perhaps we have time to go to the park or play a board game before I go."

Ignacia's face brightened up. "I have an idea! This morning I read in the _Daily Punctilio_ that there's a wonderful play in production at a theatre nearby. Maybe we could go see it tonight before you leave."

Lemony hesitated. He had had previous experiences with theatres that had been anything but pleasant, including a very false, dispiriting play written by Al Funcoot, and the replacement of an actress whom he loved dearly.

"What's the name of the play?" He asked.

"It's one of my favorites! It's called _The Italian Meatball Ballet_"

Lemony winced inwardly at the title. After being a dramatic critic for many months, he had developed his judgment when it came to plays, and this one didn't sound very good. Plus the _Daily Punctilio_ had given it the review, and Lemony knew that that newspaper could not be trusted.

"Come on! It'll be great!" Ignacia said hopefully.

Lemony sighed quietly. He did not want to let his new friend down.

"Alright, I'll go with you. But I think I'll go back to my house right after the play is over."

"That sounds good! Let me check the newspaper for the times the play is being performed."

She ran over to the kitchen table and picked up the black and white issue of the lie-filled newspaper.

"Yes! The next performance is at seven o' clock, so that should give us plenty of time to get ready." Ignacia smiled.

When I am not visiting my cousins, investigating houses destroyed by fire, and researching the terrible lives of unfortunate people, I enjoy gazing into the fish tank I keep in my home. One of my most favorite fish is the black ghost knife fish. It looks much like a long jet black knife with a dark blanket fluttering behind it as it swims.

The black ghost is a very peculiar fish, because it has very poor eyesight. Instead, it finds its way around through touch, and by letting out small electric currents in the water. These currents do not harm other fish, but they bounce off of things and let the ghost know something is there. The black ghost is nocturnal, and it prefers to stay hidden in a small crevice or behind a plastic plant.

Recently I purchased a small, clear, open-ended tube at my local pet store. The black ghost swims inside the tube and feels the sides all around him. He thinks he is hidden from all eyes, but since he cannot see, he doesn't know that everyone can see him perfectly through the clear plastic.

Sadly, Lemony is much like the black ghost knife fish in his situation. He thinks he is safe, hidden from enemy eyes, but truly he is exposed to their glare.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: I really do own a black ghost knife fish. I truly have visited my cousins and investigated homes destroyed by fire. And I do research the lives of unfortunate people.

REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!


	10. Glorious Garments

Exams are over! Yes! Well, for me at least. I sympathize for all of you poor souls out there that still have those evil tests. Don't give up! They'll be over soon.

I started a C2 community. You can subscribe if you want to. It's for ASOUE fanfiction!

**Spectra16- **Perhaps the reason Lemony chose the Baudelaires is because they are the children of a woman he once loved… cough cough. But that's just a theory. No one's really proved it. Yet. But it does explain why he chose to write about them.

**Evil Grinlord**- Yes it should be quite interesting…

**Alania**- I don't know, is Ignacia really working for Olaf? I guess you'll just have to find out, won't you? :)

**ASOUEFAN**- Ah, yes. The nasty monster that is schoolwork. I know it well.

**Vetor Swest**- Hmmm. I suppose the produce section can be pretty intimidating.

**BingIsBack**- Poor Lemony. Poor, poor Lemony…

**PearlGirl**- I do have a black ghost knife fish! I'll show you him if you come over. I'm sure Lemony was in a lot of pain typing. Ignacia is a very uncommon name, but it has a connection to fire, like her hair… I got the idea for the play name from an old box I have in my closet. I couldn't think of a play name so… viola! The Italian Meatball Ballet! I made a C2 community! Check it out! Yes, you did satisfy my review craving.

**PrincessMia737**- I love new reviewers! Thanks a ton for reviewing! :)

Wow look at all those reviews! I hope I get that many for this chapter too!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Disclaimer**: I don't own any of the characters or places, ideas or codes, or anything else. They all belong to Lemony Snicket and Daniel Handler.

Lemony had not understood what Ignacia had meant when she said they would have plenty of time to "get ready". What did they have to do to get ready for the show? He soon found out.

In the time Lemony had stayed at Ignacia's house, he had been wearing outfits from her V.F.D. disguise kit because he had only brought one set of clothing with him: what he had worn the day he was captured. And that outfit was covered in stains and partly burned up.

"There is no way you are going to the theatre dressed in that." Ignacia said.

"Well, couldn't I just wear something from your disguise kit?" Lemony pleaded. He did not enjoy shopping, because he had once had a nasty experience at a shoe store.

"Are you joking? Show up in a clown costume or a sailor's suit? I don't think so!" Ignacia was determined to get Lemony some sensible clothing.

So Lemony, dressed in his original decrepit clothing and a long beige coat from the disguise kit, and Ignacia walked the few blocks to go to a store nearby. It was a pleasant afternoon, and Lemony was glad he could get some fresh air.

Ignacia laughed as she watched Lemony carefully avoid the cracks in the sidewalk. He explained to her that he had already experienced more than enough bad luck throughout his life.

"But that's just an old superstition!" Ignacia giggled.

Lemony, quite serious, said, "Superstition or not, I don't want to take any chances."

Finally they arrived at the shop, a small clothing store called _Amazing Attire. _A small bell jangled as they opened the door and went inside. Suits, hats, shoes, trousers, dresses, vests, socks, jeans, bathrobes, sweaters, jackets and nightgowns of assorted colors hung from racks all around the store.

Lemony noticed the small crowds of people inside the shop, and he pulled up his collar to avoid being recognized. Suddenly he realized that Ignacia probably didn't know that he was wanted for many crimes, and wished to be kept inconspicuous.

But it was too late to tell her now, with all these people here watching and listening. He would just have to hope someone already told her, or that she'd been reading _The Daily Punctilio_ faithfully.

A salesperson dressed in a fashionable green shirt and a black pair of pants strode over to Lemony and Ignacia.

"May I help you?" he asked in a very thick accent, perhaps Russian, or Italian, Lemony couldn't really tell.

Ignacia smiled. "Yes, we're looking for an evening dress for myself and a nice suit for my friend Le-"

"Leroy," Lemony interrupted in a deep voice unlike his own, "The name's Leroy."

Ignacia looked at Lemony like he was completely insane. Lemony gave her a look that plainly said, _I'll tell you later_.

The salesman gave them both a long stare. Lemony shifted his weight from foot to foot and wished he still had his hat on to hide his face better. But the hat was now sitting in a typewriter factory somewhere, and Lemony knew he would never get it back.

"Leroy is it?" the salesman asked suspiciously. "My name is Bob. You look awfully familiar…"

"I'm sorry; you must be mistaking him for someone else." Ignacia said hurriedly.

"Alright. Follow me please. I think we may have just the thing you're looking for." The salesman said, still a little wary of his customers.

The entire time Bob lead them around the store, Lemony tried to stay as far away from him as possible. The salesman and Ignacia were deep in conversation for most of the afternoon, and Bob kept looking at Lemony out of the corner of his eye. It made Lemony extremely uncomfortable, and he did his best to ignore Bob.

Lemony and Ignacia tried on all kinds of clothing, but Ignacia finally settled for a plum-colored dress that complimented her bright hair color. Lemony didn't have any money, and he felt guilty having Ignacia pay for everything, so he chose a nice plain chartreuse suit and matching hat that was on sale.

Ignacia happily paid for everything, and after waving goodbye to Bob, she and Lemony left carrying two large paper bags. As soon as they were out of sight and earshot, Lemony let out a huge sigh of relief.

"It's amazing that man didn't call the police. I was very nervous."

"I'm sorry I almost let your name slip. I completely forgot about how you're wanted for those crimes Olaf committed." Ignacia hung her head. "I could have put you into real danger."

"It's alright. I'm just glad you remembered in time to back me up later on." Lemony smiled. "What were you talking to Bob about in the time I was trying to avoid him?"

Ignacia shrugged. "Oh, just stuff. I was mostly just trying to distract him from noticing you. He still glanced over at you a lot though. Do you think we should make sure he didn't call the police?"

"No, don't worry about it." Lemony decided to change the subject. "We sure got some great clothes for the play! That dress really brings out your hair…"

They chatted all the way back to Ignacia's house, then dropped their bags and started to prepare. Lemony was dressed first, and he decided to read a book in the library while he waited for Ignacia. She finally emerged from her bedroom, wearing the dress and a small amount of make-up.

"You look fabulous." Lemony smiled at her.

"You do too." Ignacia smiled back. Lemony was wearing the suit and hat, which looked natural with his outfit, but prevented him from being recognized if he pulled it over his eyes.

Lemony held out his arm to her, and Ignacia put her arm into his. They slowly made their way out of the house, the writer and the medical student, and soon disappeared from sight in the darkness outside as they journeyed to the theatre.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(To the tune of B-I-N-G-O) "There was a girl, and all she wanted, was one simple thing:

R-E-V-IEW! R-E-V-IEW! R-E-V-IEW! And that was all she waaaaanted!"

Ok, so that doesn't really work. But I think you get the picture.


	11. Meatball Mayhem

I'm finally back! It's been so long… I need a laptop so I can take it everywhere and update my story even while on vacation.

**ASOUEFAN- **I'm glad your schoolwork is receding. It's awfully annoying. I can't tell you about Ignacia! That would be giving it away! Don't you want it to be a surprise?

**visualpurple**- I know everything about you, I go everywhere you go! I like what you like, and I know you know exactly how this story will turn out! That's because, well, I am visualpurple. And I reviewed my own story! Mwahahahahaha!

**Laura V. Bleediote**- I love your stories! I can't believe a great author like you would even bother reviewing for a pathetic author like me. But I appreciate it a lot! I've never seen Monk, but I know a bunch of people who like it. Maybe I'll watch it sometime.

**Vetor Swest**- Well, Bob is actually the only name I could think of. Are you trying to communicate in code? I can't decipher any messages.

**PearlGirl**- I think Lemony's heart is dedicated to Beatrice, and definitely NOT Ignacia. But they are just friends. Her hair is a fiery orange color, which actually doesn't go with plum at all; they clash horribly. I couldn't wait to post this chapter, because everyone will finally stop bugging me about Ignacia! How was your spring break? I went up to Flint and stayed in a cabin with my cousins. I sent in my Camp Cherith forms! Can't wait to see you! But just in case… say the secret code at the hootie-hootie-haw so I know it's really you and not an enemy in disguise…

**Peaches Garcia**- Gracias! Don't worry, I'll update ASAP.

A/N: Just in case you were wondering, this story will have 13 chapters… following the Snicket tradition. And I've just about given up trying to write in his style, because it's near to impossible! But I shall try. These last 3 chapters promise to be pretty long, so bear with me!

-

**Disclaimer**: I don't own any ideas, characters, places, etc. from the Series of Unfortunate Events. They all belong to Lemony Snicket and Daniel Handler.

Many stories have happy endings. Princesses marry their handsome true loves, giants are banished from villages, and authors finally get their long-awaited, potentially dangerous books published.But, unfortunately, this is not one of those stories. If you are expecting Lemony to be magically whisked away from the theatre by his fairy godmother, you are dreadfully wrong. If you expect Lemony to kiss Ignacia and she will turn into a toad, you are awfully optimistic. If you think Lemony shall arrive at the theatre and solve a murder mystery, then you are extremely confused, not to mention, wrong.I am sad to say none of these outcomes are going to appear in the miserable pages of this story, so you might as well shut off you computer and go pick up a lovely book called The Littlest Elf.

Ignacia and Lemony arrived at the theatre around 6:30. Ignacia paid for the tickets, and they made their way inside. The theatre was filling up quickly, so Lemony and Ignacia found their seats as fast as they could and decided to stay seated until the show started.

Lemony was about to sit down in his red velvet chair when he felt a strong lurch in his stomach, as if he were going to be sick. He bent over and sat down, wincing from the pain. Why did he have to get sick just before the play was about to start?

Lemony focused on the green platform up on the stage, trying to quell the pain in his abdomen. Ignacia noticed he was pale and sweaty. "Are you feeling alright?" she asked him worriedly.

"I'm…fine." Lemony replied in a strained voice. Another sharp stab in his stomach made Lemony think of something. Apart from the pain, he felt as if he was supposed to be remembering something very important…perhaps about the theatre? Lemony racked his brain, but the information stayed beyond his reach. He had a strange overall feeling of doom, as if something was terribly wrong.

"Ignacia…" Lemony said, trying to decipher his strange feelings, "Ignacia I think we should get out of here."

"Why? The show hasn't even started yet and I already paid for the tickets!" Ignacia complained.

Lemony looked confused and alarmed. "I … It seems like something's wrong … we need to leave!"

"Can we at least stay for the first act? I think you may be hallucinating or something…"

"No…well maybe. I guess you're right. I just felt like… never mind."

Ignacia stood up and said she had to use the restroom.

"Do you mind saving my seat?" she asked.

"Not at all. But be back soon! The show is about to start!" Lemony tried to smile.

"Don't worry, I will." Ignacia smiled and waved goodbye.

Lemony sat silently for a few minutes. Finally the pain in his stomach receded. He tried to shake off the feeling he had gotten, but it kept haunting him. The lights of the theatre were beginning to dim, and Lemony watched as the curtain rose as the first act began. Three people dressed in large round costumes came waltzing out on stage. It took Lemony a moment to realize that they were supposed to be meatballs. Where could Ignacia be? She was going to miss the entire play!

After a few more minutes of dancing red meat, Lemony stood up and carefully maneuvered his way down the isle. He spotted a theatre employee and asked him where the restrooms were located, in his disguised voice, of course.

He had to find Ignacia before she missed any more of the play, or he knew she would be extremely upset. As Lemony made his way down a long dim hallway, he noticed a door ajar with light streaming from the small crack.

Lemony had long ago learned that eavesdropping was a nasty and dishonorable habit, but he couldn't resist peeking into the room. Through the tiny slit Lemony could see some sort of a small dressing room, with a lighted mirror and wardrobes full of costumes.

Standing in front of the mirror, admiring her reflection, was Ignacia Davis. _What_ _on earth is she doing in there? _Lemony wondered. He was about to call out her name when he saw her do something that he would remember for the rest of his life.

Ignacia flipped her flaming red hair around, smoothing it out. She grabbed a hold of a few strands, and yanked hard. In one sudden fluid motion, Lemony watched as Ignacia's hair was ripped off of her scalp. Underneath her flaming locks, Ignacia had very short light brown hair. Lemony realized the red hair must have been a wig.

Lemony slapped a hand over his mouth to avoid screaming. He stumbled backwards and plastered his body against the wall of the hallway, in utter shock.

-

A/N: Okay, if you don't know who Ignacia is now, I recommend getting out a copy of The Bad Beginning and flipping to chapter twelve. Read carefully and you will soon discover Ignacia's true identity! Or, if you feel like it, you could just wait until I post the next chapter. Either way, doesn't matter. BUT YOU MUST REVIEW!


	12. Abhorrent Atrocity

Wow! I sure got a lot of reviews in a short amount of time! You guys are great! By the way, my birthday is coming up… and I want REVIEWS! What a surprise!

**Evil Grinlord**- Thanks. I like using my own style and Lemony's but it gets so hard sometimes. I feel sympathy for those who don't have a copy of Book the First because they had to wait all the way until today to find out!

**Laura V. Bleediotie**- Dun dun dun! SUSPENSE! Thanks for reviewing.

**RockSunner- **Thanks! I really like the meatballs too, even though I think they don't taste very good. I'm not sure if they have cameras, but Lemony should be careful…

**Alania**- Oh, the Littlest Elf is wonderful literature! Why don't you read that instead of reading a woeful story like this?

**PearlGirl**- You can use Ignacia Davis, I give you permission. But wait until I finish my story, okay? Will you let me use the insult Lemonhead? Pretty please? That would be cool, having Ignacia be Beatrice's friend. I can't wait till this weekend! Yippee! I saw it twice too. The first time I kept muttering under my breath, things like "Stupid spyglasses…don't exist…scary Olaf…" About the "Ja ja"; in espanol we're talking about the sounds animals make, and in Spanish roosters go "Qui ri qui qui!"

SECOND TO LAST CHAPTER! WHOO HOO!

Disclaimer: I don't own The Bad Beginning or any characters. They belong to Lemony Snicket and Daniel Handler.

Lemony gulped air as he flattened himself against the wall. He couldn't believe it. The woman he had thought to be Ignacia was truly the woman with very short hair from Count Olaf's theatre troupe! How could he have possibly missed it? He had even written about her in his Book the First!

Slowly Lemony realized all the ways Ignacia had been manipulating him over the past few weeks. She had kept on asking about his new book, and Lemony had provided her with answers. If she was truly working for Olaf, she now knew important V.F.D. secrets!

When they had visited that clothing store… maybe that worker, Bob had been working for Olaf, and Ignacia have been giving him information. That would explain why they had spoken for so long.

Lemony remembered when Ignacia had cried about her family dying in a fire. Could she have truly been upset? Or had she tricked Lemony into believing the mirror was of no significance being in Olaf's warehouse? He couldn't trust her any longer, so he didn't want to ask.

But could he just be jumping to conclusions about Ignacia working for Olaf? Perhaps she had left that evil and joined the other side of V.F.D.? _Maybe I should ask her…_

Lemony carefully peeked back inside the room, but it was empty. It was impossible for Ignacia to have snuck past him, so where could she be? Lemony tiptoed inside and started searching. He opened the doors of the wardrobes and sifted through the costumes. Finding nothing, he started looking near the lighted mirror.

Suddenly Lemony heard a loud _slam!_ behind him. He whipped around, but it was too late. Villainous laughter echoed on the other side of the door, and Lemony heard Ignacia yell back to him, "You actually fell for it Snicket! I'm not the greatest actress, but with help from my instructor, I was able to trick you!" She laughed evilly as Lemony stood still in surprise.

"Now the theatre will be destroyed with you inside!" Lemony heard a very familiar voice sneer.

"Let me out Olaf!" Lemony yelled, enraged.

"No, I think we'll be going now." Olaf said, and Lemony could picture his eyes shining and the horrible smile on his face.

"Do we really have to kill him?" Ignacia asked quietly.

Olaf started laughing like a maniac. "That's what villainy is all about!"

Lemony heard a small scratching noise and soon realized what it was. The lighting of a match.

Lemony, fueled by adrenaline, picked up a heavy chair and flung it at the wooden door. A loud curse from Olaf and the splintering of wood told Lemony the chair had done its job. Lemony burst into the hallway, breathing in gasps. It was empty. Where had Olaf and Ignacia gone?

A small pile of hay and sticks on the ground was burning steadily. Lemony tried to put it out with his shoe, but the flames were too hot. He was about to take off his jacket when a cold hand grabbed him from behind and stuffed a large burlap bag over his head.

"Nice to see you again L," Lemony heard Olaf whisper in his ear. Lemony struggled violently, but Olaf had a good grip on him. He cringed as his wrists were tied together with rope, and he was led down the hallway. A blast of cool night air hit Lemony's face as a door was opened, and he was pushed outside.

An unexpected shove from behind made Lemony topple over unto a hard metal surface. Someone tied Lemony's ankles together, and he heard a small voice whisper in his ear, "I'm sorry." Could Ignacia be having a change of heart?

He heard an engine start, and the voices of the actors and actresses celebrating. One voice said, "Darling do you think my dress is fit for committing murder?" Lemony realized Esmé, Olaf's treacherous girlfriend, must be in the vehicle as well.

"Yes, it's wonderful." Olaf said. "I can't wait to get rid of that interfering snoop, Lemony Snicket! I can finally take over V.F.D. without his interference!"

With that, the three nasty people let out a loud chortle, a word which when used here means, "repulsive laugh". Lemony wriggled around on the cold metallic ground, trying to free himself. He was finally able to get to his knees, and a gust to wind blew the burlap sack off of his head.

Lemony was able to see the theatre shrinking into the distance. It had burst into flames, and as Lemony watched its destruction, he could see people screaming and running away from the burning building. Perhaps the theatre could be saved! But, as always, the Official Fire Department was not at the scene on time, and there was no one to stop the fire from gaining energy.

As the black pickup truck Lemony was inside turned the corner, Lemony could hear Olaf laughing in the front seat because of the broken back window. He knew that this awful villain would stop at nothing to discover the location of the sugar bowl, and once he had extracted that information from Lemony, Olaf wouldn't even hesitate to kill him.

A/N: Ahhhhhh! I'm even in suspense myself! What will happen to Lemony? Is Ignacia on his side? Where are they headed? The Climatic Conclusion! Coming soon! (If you review)


	13. Remorseful Revolution

My reviewers! Thanks for being so faithful throughout the story.

**Alania**- Nice prediction. But I'm not saying its true… I'll be seeing you later today!

**Evil Grinlord**- You're already dead? How did that happen?

**PearlGirl**- I wonder why you can't review the chapter you want to… well, my chapters are usually about 3 pages on Microsoft Word (except this one, which is 6), I don't use Works anymore. Yes, I think Lemony is quite sick of getting captured. I want your LS story to be posted NOW! But that won't happen. I guess I'll just have to wait. See you later today!

A/N: Many of you believe this to be the last chapter in this anguishing tale, but I am sorry to say, it is not. I shall be posting an epilogue after this so that I can tie up some loose ends and make chapter 13 a bit shorter. Sorry, you'll just have to wait.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own any of the Baudelaires, Quagmires, Snickets, villains, or anyone else in my story. They all belong to Lemony Snicket and Daniel Handler.

The truck drove on and on, and while the terrible people in the front seat discussed Lemony's fate, Lemony sat in the back and listened in on their conversations, which were drifting out through the broken back window.

"Why exactly did we hang on to the Lemonhead for so long?" Esmé asked Olaf, as she jabbed a long-nailed finger towards the back of the truck to indicate she was talking about Lemony.

"We got a lot more information from him by making him trust our comrade here."

At this Ignacia batted her eyelashes and smiled at Olaf. He grinned back at her, which reminded Lemony of a rat with gingivitis, cavities, and yellow teeth opening its mouth to devour a piece of moldy cheese. Olaf continued.

"I was sorely disappointed when we weren't able to burn him alive in the theatre, but I now realize that we can extract even more information from him before he dies."

"What information?" Ignacia asked. "I already got a bunch from him. What's left?"

"The location of the sugar bowl," Olaf said quietly. "He lied to us last time, and I don't intend to let him outsmart us again."

Esmé let out a bone-chilling laugh and the other two despicable people joined in as well.

Lemony felt sick.

Olaf settled down and stopped chortling, but continued to smirk. "I've decided to throw the sneak into Lachrymose Lake! That seemed like the most tortuous and violent death I could think of."

Lemony felt really sick.

The three started laughing once more as they continued their conversation. He noticed Ignacia and Olaf kept looking at each other dreamily, and whenever they did this, Esmé would look disgusted and butt in on their discussion. She seemed very angry that Ignacia dared mess with _her_ boyfriend. Lemony hoped her jealousy would fade away soon, or he was afraid she would do something nasty to Ignacia or Olaf, which he did not wish to witness.

After another hour of driving, queasy stomachs, bad breath, and evil conversations, Lemony fell asleep upon the truck bed; a word which when used here does not mean a soft mattress, but the hard bottom of the back end of a truck.

When Lemony awoke, the truck was coasting to a stop. The sun had risen, and Lemony guessed it must have been around 9 o' clock A.M. Olaf jumped out of the front seat and looked about their surroundings. Lemony watched as Olaf did a little celebration jig, clearly extremely pleased.

"This is perfect! The perfect spot!" he laughed gleefully.

Lemony finally turned his sore head and looked around. His eyes widened as he saw where they were. Lemony was right next to the fragmented remains of a house, blown off of a high cliff from the winds of a hurricane… The pickup truck was parked exactly where the house of Josephine Anwhistle had once stood. The steep cliff outcrop was to Lemony's right, hanging perilously above the icy waters of Lachrymose Lake.

Olaf danced a while more, until he was huffing and puffing. Then he went inside and searched the truck, and emerged holding a bottle of wine and some cracked champagne glasses. Pouring his comrades some wine, they all drank to Olaf's triumph over V.F.D., even though he had not successfully taken it over yet.

While they celebrated, Lemony struggled to free his hands. It was useless. The knot was tied far too tight, and the back of the truck was closed so he was unable to roll over or climb out.

Olaf strode over to where Lemony was being held captive, opened the back of the truck, and gave him a huge grin. "Here Snicket, I figured you should be rejoicing with us as well. Eat and drink this." Olaf held out a crust of bread and a small cup of wine. Why would Olaf give him food and let him drink something like this?

"I'm sure you're hungry." Olaf grinned even wider, if that was physically possible. Lemony looked cautiously at the food, over at the deadly lake, and back at Olaf. "No thank you," he said calmly.

Olaf's eyes got very, very shiny as if he had just told a joke. When he finally spoke, his voice was strained and rising every second. "It was not a choice Lemonhead. EAT IT!"

Lemony reluctantly took the food and drink that meant his own death sentence. Olaf watched him as he ate slowly, until the last drop was drained, and the final crumb was gone.

"Good," Olaf said, "Now its time to play a little game. It should be quite familiar." Olaf reached into his filthy coat pocket and pulled out a long shiny knife, the same one he had used to threaten Lemony with before.

"Now, where's the sugar bowl," Olaf asked in a sickly sweet voice.

Lemony looked around in panic. He couldn't lie to Olaf again, that would just make him angry, and he could find out. What should he tell him?

"I'm waiting." Olaf said annoyingly.

Lemony sighed and opened his mouth to answer, but a commotion on the cliff distracted both him and Olaf.

Esmé was shouting on the top of her lungs at Ignacia, who actually looked frightened. The actress was in such a rage that even though she was so loud, Lemony could only understand half of what she was yelling.

"HOW DARE YOU….EVIL…MY BOYFRIEND…KILL!" Esmé was screaming.

Olaf glared at Lemony. "Don't move Snicket." He ran over to the cliff and joined the fray.

Lemony realized this was his only chance. Olaf had left the back of the truck open, and Lemony started to hop out. He tripped, and rolled over onto the ground. Wincing at the impact, he kept rolling, until he was concealed behind the overgrown hedges of what was once Josephine's small garden. Lemony picked up a sharp stone and hacked away at his ropes, until he was able to untie them, and soon his feet were free as well.

Peeking through the leaves, Lemony watched a gruesome scene unfold before his eyes. Olaf was shouting now, trying to calm the women down. It had no effect, as a fuming Esmé started kicking Ignacia. Lemony almost cried out, until he remembered how she had betrayed him.

Esmé began to shove Ignacia with her long-nailed hands, closer and closer to the cliff's edge. Olaf kept on shouting, and Ignacia was trying to reason with Esmé, but neither of their pleas made any difference.

Lemony watched silently with wide eyes as Esmé gave Ignacia a good hard push, and Ignacia toppled over the edge of the cliff, a look of pure shock and disbelief on her face.

This time Lemony really did cry out, but Olaf and Esmé were too busy screaming at each other to hear. Ignacia was gone. Dead. Lemony sat completely still, a single tear running down his cheek.

Olaf finally calmed down and told Esmé it was alright that she had murdered his other henchwoman, because he hadn't really needed her anymore anyway. Lemony listened in repulsion. How could he be talking about another human being that way? The evil people finished the wine and hiccupped in celebration.

Esmé, looking smug, and Olaf, strolled tipsily back over to the truck. They must have drunk a bit too much wine, for they were extremely intoxicated. Olaf climbed in the driver's seat without even checking to see if Lemony was still in the truck, because of his clouded thinking.

The two villains laughed and chatted as they drove away. "I once pushed a rich widow off a cliff," Olaf drawled. The last thing Lemony heard was Olaf saying, "Hey, now we can even blame the woman's death on Snicket…" The truck turned a corner and Lemony watched it disappear in a cloud of dust.

Lemony couldn't believe he had escaped from Olaf so easily. But Ignacia… even though Lemony had known her to be evil, he still felt a pang in his heart. She had almost seemed to have a change… maybe joined Lemony's side… if only she had survived. Lemony felt two more tears slide silently down his cheek.

A fierce cry suddenly pierced the afternoon silence. Lemony jumped up and searched for the sound of the scream. He stayed partly hidden behind the hedges, just in case it was a dangerous wild animal. Glancing over at the rocky cliff, Lemony's eyes met an astounding sight.

Ignacia was climbing up the cliff's side, blood flowing freely from a gash on her head. She struggled to pull herself up unto the even surface that meant salvation. Whenever her fingers tried to get a grip on a rock or stone, it fell away from her down into the waters.

She looked up at Lemony, who was staring unbelievingly at her through the overgrown bushes.

"Lemony!" Ignacia screamed desperately, "Lemony please! Please help me! I'll change, I promise! I'm sorry, Lemony! I'm so, so sorry!" She started to cry as she clung to the rocks.

Lemony just sat there and stared. This woman had been so kind to him… but then she had betrayed him, left him to die at the hands of Olaf. Did she really deserve to live? She had promised to change. She said she was sorry for her actions. But could Lemony trust her this time?

Suddenly Ignacia's hand slipped and she was hanging from one arm over the freezing waters below. "Please!" She cried, with the small amount of air left in her lungs.

Lemony jumped out from behind the hedges and ran as fast as he possibly could to the gasping figure on the cliff. He slid in the dirt over to the edge, reaching out for Ignacia. He was almost there… he could save her! Ignacia stretched her free arm out to Lemony's. He moved to the very verge of the cliff, inches away. Lemony felt his fingertips brush Ignacia's…she was going to make it!

But then, Lemony watched in horror as Ignacia Davis lost her grip, and plunge towards the deadly waters below. She let out a blood-curdling scream as her body hit the icy cold waves, and Lemony stood, paralyzed, as he saw her limp body bob up and down.

She was still alive! Lemony could see her lifting one of her arms. Then he saw the writhing mass of shiny bodies descending quickly on Ignacia through the water. The Lachrymose Leeches smelled the wine Ignacia had drank with Esmé and Olaf, and they were slithering over to devour her.

Lemony continued to watch, helpless, unable to warn her or run away. Ignacia lifted her head and saw them coming, and she screamed again, louder than ever before. Then the wall of leeches hit her. Lemony couldn't stand it anymore.

He ran, stumbling back over behind the hedges and started to sob uncontrollably. He could have saved her! He shouldn't have hesitated and doubted the sincerity of her apology. If only he had jumped out a moment earlier… he could have saved his friend's life.

Lemony sat there, crying until his face was red and puffy, sobbing all afternoon and into the night, until he finally cried himself into a nightmare-filled sleep. When Lemony woke up, he was sore all over and very stiff from sleeping on the ground. His eyes were still swollen from his tears, but he was unable to cry anymore.

He felt like an empty shell, a bottomless pit. The only thoughts running through his head were full of sorrow and regret. _I could have saved her- but I didn't…it's my fault…_

Lemony started to walk absent-mindedly away from the murder site and unto the road. He kept walking and walking, until the soles of his shoes were worn out. But even then, Lemony continued. He walked until the sun was setting behind the trees. He walked until finally, Lemony spotted the graveyard in the back yard of his home.

Breaking into a run, Lemony ran all the way unto the steps of his house. Fumbling with the keys, not really even trying, Lemony eventually got the door open. He rushed into the house and breathed deeply. Lemony was finally home.

A/N: Remember, there's an epilogue! The story is not over. Reviewing is very 'in' right now…


	14. Elegiac Epilogue

Ah, all my loyal reviewers. You are admirable, brilliant, cool, daring, exquisite, fervent, great, hilarious, intrepid, just, kind, luxurious, magnificent, nutty, outstanding, persuasive, quaint, renowned, symmetrical, thoughtful, understanding, volunteering, wonderful, xylophone, yielding, and zealous! THANKS!

**ASOUEFAN**- Thanks a lot! Don't worry, I will write more stories… I hope. I just need an idea. Help is welcome!

**Evil Grinlord- **Yes, the truth is so utterly upsetting. I feel bad for you about dying because of your report card. I have never died for that reason, but I got pretty close with one of my teachers for something else.

**Alania**- Yes, I have asked someone, E, if updating is 'in' and she said yes. So look! I have updated. I hope I can go to your house again soon. Live Long and Prosper! (Is that right?)

A/N: Last chappie! (Sob!) The end of my first fanfic… But I will write again!

**Disclaimer**: I don't own the characters from ASOUE. They belong to Lemony Snicket and Daniel Handler. I've said this for 13 chapters! You think they'd let me stop already!

**THE DAILY PUNCTILIO**

"_All the news in fits of print" _

**Unknown Woman Murdered**

This Monday, authorities discovered the mangled clothing of an unidentifiable woman floating in the waters ofLake Lachrymose. No one has been able to verify who she was, or why her plum-colored dress was in the lake, but police received an anonymous phone call yesterday saying she was murdered, and then pushed into the water by a mysterious figure with an eye tattoo on his ankle. An event similar to this has been reported in the past, in which a rich widow was pushed off a cliff, also by a man with a tattoo on his ankle. The anonymous caller also mentioned the name Snicket, which detectives are investigating now.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Lemony read the morning paper as he poured himself a cup of hot tea. _The Daily Punctilio_ had never been a reliable newspaper, and judging by that story, it still wasn't.

_But I was just about the cause of her death._ Even a week after the incident, Lemony still had nightmares and thought about it constantly. He knew it would scar him forever, just as when Beatrice had died. This was perhaps even worse, because Lemony knew he was partly responsible for Ignacia's death. Lemony sipped his tea and thought about all the people that had died in the V.F.D. struggle. The good; and the evil.

Lemony set his mug unto the table and slowly made his way into his room. He gathered a few papers scattered about the floor and set them on his desk in a neat pile, next to his old beaten typewriter. Lemony dragged a small wooden chair from the corner over to his desk, and carefully sat down.

He looked thoughtfully at his framed photo of Beatrice, and then at his commonplace notebook. He flexed his fingers and placed them on his typewriter. Then Lemony Snicket began to type.

**A/N**: Very short, and yet I had to add it in. So how did everyone like the story? Yes, I know it was gloomy, but that's Lemony Snicket for you! Moooochas gracias to all my reviewers (Do you get it PearlGirl? Ha ha!), you people deserve a gold medal. Or some piece of round metal that vaguely resembles gold, but it's cheaper. We're on a small budget, okay? Well, I will write another story, but when, I have no idea. I need a good plot first. Any opinions are welcome! Reviewing is still yummy! I LOVE REVIEWS!

And now, it is the official end of my first fanfic. (Runs off crying hysterically)

With All Due Respect,

visualpurple


End file.
